Escaping the Validation Trap

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” – Lao Tzu

Everywhere we go, we’re out here hunting for validation. Every decision we make? We’re thinking about what someone else might think—our parents, our friends, and, worst of all, random strangers we’ll never even meet! We scroll through a hundred photos on our phone just to pick that one shot to post on social media, all because we care way too much about what people think. We’ve seen how people deleted photos they posted just because they didn’t get enough likes, i guess the subconscious message is; it wasn’t worthy enough. But if we keep measuring our worth through this lens, aren’t we basically handing our identity over to everyone else?

i.

There are few reasons why we seek validations. The most common one is to get some sense of belonging. Human are social creatures, wired to connect with others. Seeking validation from people around us feel accepted, safe, and part of a group, fulfilling the need for belonging. It’s pretty normal! And actually, i personally think that seeking validation can be quite beneficial… if done right. For example; asking for feedback—whether from family, teachers at school, leaders at work, or our closeset friends—is one of the best ways to learn and improve. We all want to know if we’re doing the right thing, so we turn to the people we trust to tell us. They will validate our action (which will positively boost our confidence) or they can give constructive feedback that actually helps us get better.

Now, here’s the other side of the coins. When seeking external validation becomes the only way you can feel good about yourself, that’s when you know you’re hooked on validation- this approval-seeking behaviour is doing more harm than good.

Obsessing over likes and followers, changing yourself to “fit in”, focusing on creating this fake “perfect” online image, posting and flexing stuffs on socials to feel good and worthy, staying in an unhealthy relationships for “approval”, following the “trend” that doesn’t work with our values..the list can go on! These behaviour simply scream “I have a low self-worth, i don’t know who i am, and i’m insecure, please validate me and make me feel good about myself!” The next thing you know, you’re hooked—constantly chasing that approval, and before you realize it, you’re depending on it just to feel like you exist.

So, why do we keep chasing this empty external validation? Where does it even come from?

ii.

The word “worth” has been mentioned few times above, and that’s because low self-worth and self-esteem is one of the reasons why people seek external validation. When your self-esteem is low, you start looking for validation everywhere—because you don’t feel good enough on your own. You crave that quick hit of approval from others to fill the emptiness inside. Likes, compliments, or attention—they all feel great, but they’re short-lived and your self-worth is going to be a rollercoaster! And the worst part is, the more you depend on it, the more you reinforce that nagging feeling that you’re not enough unless someone else tells you so. That’s not a way to live a fulfilling life, no?

Another factors like insecurity, combined with fear of rejection AND social media comparison creates the perfect recipe for an addiction to external validation. When people are uncertain about themselves or their choices, external approval can provide a temporary sense of certainty or confidence. The anxiety of being rejected or not measuring up to others can be stressful and paralysing. Rejection feels like a blow to the already fragile sense of self-worth, so you become even more desperate for validation to avoid feeling left out or unloved. In social media, you look at someone’s success, beauty, or popularity, and feel like you're falling behind. This leads to an endless cycle of validation-seeking, as you try to prove you're just as good or worthy. Over time, this constant chase leaves you feeling exhausted, burned out, and completely lost—feeling worse than you did before.

Now what? What can we do?

iii.

To leave the deadly cycle of chasing external validation, we need to start filling the INTERNAL. There are few ways to slowly and progressively build your own confidence and stop relying on other’s validation.

To begin with, if you have the habit of comparing yourself on social media, feeling anxious about how many people like what you post, or constantly checking on what other people’s doing; you need a break from it , my friend! A study from the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology found that reducing social media time significantly improved participants’ self-esteem and self-worth by breaking the cycle of comparison and external validation. Just take a break from it- nobody cares that much! ;) rules no.1 : take a break from social media.

“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Another thing that you can do, finding intrinsic goals. Such as; personal growth or wellbeing. Psychologist Edward Deci's research on self-determination theory shows that people who are motivated by intrinsic goals have greater confidence and well-being than those focused on extrinsic goals, like praise or social status. Setting goals that align with personal values encourages fulfilling feelings! rules no.2 : focus on yourself

Self compassion also plays a big role in this journey to let go of the hook of external validation. Being kind to oneself, recognising own strength and weakness, and maintaining a balanced perspective—can lead to higher resilience and self-worth. According to Kristin Neff's research, practicing self-compassion helps reduce the need for external validation by fostering an internal sense of acceptance and self-confidence. rules no3: love and accept yourself.

Focus on building a skill, challenging yourself and mastering the art of competence. When you focus on skill-building and personal mastery, you strengthen an internal confidence source, which lasts longer than external validation. rules no4: foster skills to build inner confidence.

Lastly; a thankful culture! Practicing gratitude has been shown to increase positive emotions and enhance well-being. When people focus on what they appreciate about themselves and their lives, they rely less on others for affirmation and more on their own values and accomplishments! rules no5: practice gratitude.

Gratitude turns what we have into enough and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity... it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." — Melody Beattie

Constantly chasing validation is exhausting. But the game changes when you build inner confidence to carry you through life. It’s stable, it keeps you grounded, and it gives you that unshakeable sense of self-worth that doesn’t hinge on anyone else’s opinion. This kind of confidence lets you make choices that actually align with what you believe—not just what’s popular or praised. Real, internal confidence leads to genuine self-respect, independence, and the freedom to live on your own terms, without needing someone else to tell you you’re enough, because honestly? you ARE already enough :)

“Self-worth comes from one thing – thinking that you are worthy.” – Wayne Dyer

If you’re having a struggle with constant chase of external validation or need some guidance to build inner confidence; come work with us! (click info here) you don’t have to do it alone! cheering for you to be your best self <3 x